My First Grown Up Date

Ok so I’ve been on dates before, but it’s either a friend or I’ve already met the person a few times and then we go out and so on.

Last night I had my first date where I hadn’t met the guy and we’d only been speaking for a couple of days… It was a proper “pick you up at 8” style date.

I WAS SO NERVOUS

I actually drank a whole bottle of prosecco beforehand because I physically could not cope with the stress.

I had a melt down about what to wear and how to do my hair and I am NOT girly in the slightest.

I kept panicking about the greeting, do I shake his hand? Hug him? What if he goes for a kiss on the cheek and I miss and kiss his eyeball?? What if I fall over? What if I dribble my drink? All of these are worrying possibilities and all of these HAVE HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

Well anyway I got slightly pissed and headed off on the date and well… 

HE WAS SO SO SO SO GORGEOUS

Polite, funny, no break in conversation it flowed, I could be myself, there was a bit of sick humour which is like 30% of my normal humour so that was greeeat. 

Everything went so well until I accidentally elbowed the guy sitting behind me in the head causing him to fall forwards into his table and spill all their drinks… Oops.

I immediately thought “oh great that’s me done” but then awkward angels came to save the day.

During our conversation about swear words, the WHOLE PUB went quiet as he said the sentence

“I like a bit of c*ck, sometimes c*nt”

Oh the looks he got. OH IT MADE MY DAY. We both decided to move on to another pub where we proceeded to get drunk to end the date nicely.

And I was so grown up I didn’t even sleep with him – HAZAH!

How I Met My Ex and Made Him Fall in Love With Me

Definitely going to be the next big TV series…

Okay so, might as well start from the rough beginning – how I met my most recent ex.

I came to uni. I had absolutely no desire to gain a boyfriend or any attachments in that sense other than drinking buddies. Back home before I moved away I generally got drunk at parties and snogged my male friends (and 99.9% of the time regretted it) and that was about as far as my dating experience had gone… well I’d had ONE date before I went to university and that was absolutely horrendous:

• Agreed to go on a ‘mate date’ with a guy I knew for a fact liked me #bitch
• We arrived at the local pub, got a few drinks and instantly sat in silence.
• It became apparent he was a MASSIVE lightweight hooray for me and so got pretty drunk pretty darn quickly.
• At one point he just awkwardly grabbed my hand across the table to hold it in some desperate bid for romance, to which i squealed, pulled my hand away, asked “what the hell are you doing?” and burst out laughing.
• The date finishes, we live in different areas, no need to walk me home it’s fine I’ll just get the cab!
• That will work right? Right???
• No. He decided to clamber into the cab with me despite us living nowhere near each other, came all the way back to my house, and stood outside the door just smiling at me.
• I just went in for the awkward “right well tonight was nice” hug and he obviously went for a kiss…. TWICE. I managed to dodge both times before just giving up telling him goodnight and putting my key in the door, to which he feebly mumbles

“Where actually am I? I don’t know how to get home?”

Sigh.

But YES, other than that, no prior dating experience. So I met my boyfriend at a party, got his number, snogged him, let him stay over – let me add I was a good girl – and when he left the next day I was absolutely sure I’d never see him again.

Now I really did fancy him, like I really was so so attracted to him. So when I’m in the smoking area of a club and I see him standing there smoking, wearing a blazer (I found it sooo hot) I decided i absolutely had to have him.

I look over and smile and he smiles back, it’s slightly awkward, who goes over to who? I’m panicking, I’ve never done this, so I just keep smiling, at this point I must have looked like a psycho but it obviously worked because HE WALKED OVER TO ME.

Chatting to him and his mates and my friends go back down to the dancefloor but I decide to stay in the smoking area with all the boys just waiting for this guy in the blazer to fall in love with me.

One of his friends then says “do you want a cig?”
I don’t smoke, so i politely declined.
“Do you smoke?”
I go to answer no, however one of BlazerBoy’s friends laughs and goes
“Of course she smokes what a stupid question, why else would she just be standing in the smoking area for 20 minutes when all her mates have gone back downstairs?”
BlazerBoy looks at me and instead of telling the truth i just say
“Yeah i do smoke i just dont want to borrow cigs off you guys, i barely know you”
“It’s fine” says BlazerBoy, “Have one of mine”

I take the cig, light it, trying to look cool and see how long I can get away with not actually taking a drag, but I noticed BlazerBoy and his friends looking at me so I just go for it.

COUGHING ENSUES.
COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING.
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? HOW DO THEY MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY? WILL I EVER BREATHE AGAIN?

They all laugh and BlazerBoy has to pat me on the back several times and give me some of his drink
“You don’t actually smoke do you?”
“No… I was trying to look cool”

And that ladies, is how you bag yourself a man.